I can't deny it anymore. Things are changing, things have changed.

I'm walking around filled with fluid. Ready to spill if anything startles me. I'm treading carefully.
I'm aimlessly floating. My breaths are getting shorter and quicker, my chest tightens and my eyes burn. I want to curl up. I want to lie in bed and forget everything that burdens me. I want someone to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay.

But it's not. Nothing is okay. There is a mess, a huge pile of garbage and it's beginning to rot. It's all just been sitting there for too long and between the fumes I can't see what I'm aiming for.

I don't know anything right now,
but I can feel it, I will know soon. I'm edging in on a whole new insight.

My trademark phrase, "I'm sorry" is sitting at the tip of my tongue, wanting to jump out now more than ever.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
I didn't see that I was instigating so many problems outside of my own life.

I just didn't know any of this was real...

And then my mind backtracks. My constant dialogging with Love,

I loved him. We loved each other, completely mutual. Times were simple, things were sweet and beautiful and pure. We had fun and we went places and we did things and through those eyes in love we saw things we'd never seen before.
But... You can't get stuck going nowhere. You're gonna have to wake up one day and go somewhere. And you have to be with someone who will go there with you. You gotta share the vision, have similar goals. Otherwise you wake up one day and you realize you're both off target.
And I think that's what happened. We woke up and realized we were both off target.
But the hard part of everything is, our love was so strong. So real. So invigorating. So much so that it is easy to want it back. Even after all the pain, all the suffering. Even after we had hurt each other so much. And we both DID want it back.
From day one I knew he'd come back. And I wanted him to. And maybe to a degree we still want each other back. But I know it just can't be that way. As great as it felt then, it won't ever be that way again. He knows it too, I think. Deeper down. It's over.

So I let go of it. Sure, I still feel things towards him. How could I not? After so much time I loved him so so SO deeply. But I had to get away. I had to close off that ventricle of my heart.

Then I turned my attention to Ben. I think at first it was because I just wanted to avert my attention. Think about something else, think about someone else. But over time it began to grow into something more. I realized I really did like him, and a lot of things about him. And what I realized is that, had it not been for my baggage, it would be completely easy to fall for him without so many complications. The truth is I don't know if I can fall in love again. I don't know if my body can handle it.
It's like the first time you get really drunk. You go into it totally unaware of what it's going to feel like, and you just take a chance and once you realize how fun it is you just keep drinking and drinking. Then, through the natural course of things the night ends and you pass out somewhere.
You wake up and you have no idea where you are and you feel terrible and disgusting. It takes a while to start feeling better again, so you just stay in bed for a few extra hours and slowly are able to go about your day.
But a few days later you get invited to another party and you go. But as soon as you're offered that first drink... the puking reflexes still remember the pain of the other night and prohibit you from being able to continue. Even though you want to have fun again.
But I guess over time you grow callous to that feeling and are able to just suck it up and control your brain to ignore that feeling because you know it doesn't really mean anything.
That was a weird analogy. But I like it. Anyway. I keep going off and on about Ben and I never can quite figure out why. I keep denying that it has anything to do with Matt but I don't think I can deny that any longer. It has everything to do with Matt. Every time I hear from him, hear about him I flinch. I run away, I become distant. And I think it is because of those feelings I still have for him. But the thing is, those feelings are not lingering for any particular reason. I know for a fact nothing will ever happen between him and I again. It's completely over.
But I'm ruining my relationship with Ben because of it, and I don't have any idea how to stop.
In all honesty I want our relationship to continue. To grow. Maybe it's gonna be extremely hard to fall in love again, but I need to take that pressure away and just let it happen. Or let whatever is going to happen happen.

The moral of the story is "I don't know."
Which is not something I've never dealt with before, but it's still a challenge.

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